So Jon and Susan, here you go. If you practice these exercises regularly, you'll be fully prepared for this new baby when he/she arrives. Well, maybe not fully prepared, because who is? But it will certainly ease the transition for you. I promise.
Begin by setting an alarm in what will eventually be the baby's room. Make sure that it is programmed to go off every 2.5 to 3 hours, starting around 11:00pm or so.
- Susan - For the first 8 weeks of this exercise, every time you hear the alarm, throw your covers off, jump out of bed and stumble blindly down the hall to the baby's room. Turn off the alarm. Find a chair. Sit for 15 minutes. Go back to bed. Repeat at next alarm cycle.
- Jon - For the first 8 weeks of this exercise, every time the alarm goes off, don't move. Maybe you can snort a little in your sleep or pull the covers up a little higher around your neck, but don't move
- Susan - The first time the alarm goes off, repeat your regular routine.
- Jon - You too.
- Susan - The second time the alarm goes off, stay put.
- Jon - You too.
- Susan - Elbow Jon. Mumble "Your turn."
- Jon - Say "OK", but don't actually move.
- Susan - Elbow Jon again. Say "Your turn", a little more loudly and a little more forcefully.
- Jon - Repeat above instructions to reply "OK" without actually moving from the bed.
- Susan - Shove Jon and yell "YOUR TURN!!"
- Jon - Sit up and say "OK!". Make sure to be indignant when you reply.
- Susan - Remain in the bed, but work your blood pressure up to a moderately high level.
- Jon - As slowly as humanly possible, rise from the bed but don't go anywhere. Sit on the edge, sigh deeply, and perhaps rub your eyes for a few minutes.
- Susan - Will yourself to stay in the bed. Work your blood pressure up higher.
- Jon - Begin to walk out of the room, but instead of going down the hall take a detour into the bathroom. Whiz. Whiz some more. Whiz forever.......
- Susan - Work your blood pressure up to dangerous levels, fling the covers off the bed and storm down the hall. Take your place in the chair and turn off the blaring alarm.
- Jon - Show up in the doorway of the baby's room. Scratch your head, give Susan a confused look and shrug your shoulders while you say "What? I said I'd get the baby."
- Susan -- Seethe.
- Begin by filling a 5 gallon bucket with water. This will effectively simulate what it's like to carry your baby in the convenient, yet astronomically heavy, removable car seat. Start the stopwatch and single-handedly carry the bucket out to the car as quickly as possible. Strap it into the middle of the backseat. (Be careful as you place the bucket in the car because you'll lose points if you bang it into the door jam.)
- Dash back to the house.
- Once inside, pick up 3 bags from various places in the house and fling them over your shoulder. (Bags should weigh approximately 7 pounds each.) Snatch a travel mug of some sort of caffeinated beverage off the counter without spilling.
- Dash back to car. Place the travel mug on the roof of the car and toss each of the bags into the passenger seat.
- Run around the car and get in the driver's seat. Buckle yourself in and grasp the steering wheel while you try to start the car.
- Unbuckle yourself from your seat, climb out of the car, and dash back into house to retrieve your keys.
- Once you are back inside, grab the keys and dash back to car. Retrieve the travel mug from the roof.
- Start your car and stop the stopwatch.
Once you've whittled your best time to under 10 minutes, you can begin the "advanced" exercise in this category.
Pack Mule Sprints - Advanced Version: Make only one trip to car. This means that you will be required to carry the "baby in car seat", the 3 seven-pound bags, and the travel mug containing caffeinated beverage all together. Once you are at the car, balance on one foot as you dig in your pocket for the car keys. At this point, the travel mug must be held between your teeth. Hold this balancing pose for 2 minutes before you open the car door and load everything in.
#3. Mommy/Daddy Detective. (The goal of this exercise = search and rescue skills) This exercise can, and should, be done repeatedly. This is crucial to effective parenting, and in order for search and rescue skills to be sharp, they need constant honing.
- Each of you take turns hiding various objects in the house. No object is off limits, (up to and including the random booger) and no hiding place is too gross. Trash can? Perfect. Bathroom trash can? Even better. More often than not, it should be an object of relative importance, like car keys, wallets, and/or shoes.
- Each of you take turns scouring the house for previously mentioned "various objects". The tighter your timeline for the day, the more crucial the hidden object should be.
As a side note: while you won't be actively searching for the random hidden booger, you will get bonus points for discovering them while cleaning or searching for the other missing objects.
- Sleep a grand total of 30 minutes that night.
- The next day, smash up a soft fruit or vegetable of your choice. (From experience, I can tell you that peas, sweet potatoes, or bananas work well.)
- Rub smashed mixture across your shirt and in your hair.
- Do not shower, look in a mirror, change clothes, comb your hair, or brush your teeth.
- Forget that you have done none of those things until you are out in public.
- Run a minimum of 3 errands, or simply just go to work.
- Make sure to run into at least 1 person you know but haven't seen in a while, or have a meeting with someone relatively important.
- On every trip to the grocery store, purchase one box each of goldfish crackers, graham crackers, and cheerios.
- Crush the contents of each box into teeny-tiny crumbs.
- Every day, when you get into your car to go somewhere (anywhere), toss approximately 2 cups worth of crumbs over your shoulder and into the backseat.
- At the end of 2 weeks, or when you can't take the embarrassment of what the inside of your vehicle looks like any longer -- whichever comes first -- vacuum your car.
- Curse under your breath the entire time you vacuum and solemnly swear to all that is holy that you will never pass snacks into the back seat ever again.
- Continue dropping crumbs daily, and repeat vacuuming/cursing cycle every 2 weeks.
While this is no means an comprehensive list, practicing these exercises should give you a good head start. And now, in the name of parenting preparedness, I'm giving a shout out to all the moms and dads I know. If you have additional exercises Jon and Susan could practice to help them ease into this transition, please, please, share. First time parents love nothing more than unsolicited advice -- especially from people they don't know that well. So don't hold back. I mean it. I know that you all are well-practiced parents, so wrack your brains for exercises you do on a regular basis and then go ahead and spell out the instructions in the Comments section. (And if you don't participate it will look like I don't have any friends, so don't let me down!)
I have to go now. From the ruckus happening in the bathroom, I think it's safe to assume that there is a small butt in need of wiping. But before I dash away from my computer, please let me say: Jon and Susan, Welcome to our club. It's not for the faint of heart, and the dues are high.......but the perks are unbelievable. We couldn't be more happy to have you as members.
17 comments:
My advice, Jon, is to pick the spot in the bed that is furthest from the door. This happens to be my situation, and I can count on one hand the amount of times I have gotten up in the middle of the night. Occasionally I do get up to pee.
Susan, I don't have a good name for it, but I have something you can practice. Everytime you cough, laugh, or sneeze unexpectedly, pee in your pants a little bit. Oh wait. Nevermind. You won't need to practice that. It will happen effortlessly once you give birth. :)
Practice feeling around on the rear floorboards of your car for random dropped objects while driving. Keeping your eyes on the road is optional. Good Luck! (and congratulations, of course!)
Here are some good exercises -
BAG OF FLOUR EXERCISE - carry around a BIG bag of flour (6-10lbs) in your preferred arm. This will help you get used to only having the use of one arm. Eat, brush your teeth, clean the house, type, etc all while carrying the bag of flour in the other arm. You can switch arms if you want but it will be a waste of time as only one arm will comfortably hold the bag of flour or the baby once he/she arrives.
ROADSIDE DUI TEST EXERCISES - start practicing all the roadside DUI tests the police give you. Not that mom will be able to drink before the baby gets here and isn't encouraged to drink and drive once the little bundle of joy is here... but you will often feel legally intoxicated when driving sleep deprived. I recall a news story where police in some states were treating those driving while sleep deprived like drunk drivers.
STAIR RUNNING EXERCISES - (disclaimer - once you are in your 3rd trimester this isn't a recommended exercise.) Practice running up and down the stairs as fast as possible. This will be good for the first 4 weeks when you are petrified to leave the baby in a room alone. Even if they are safely tucked into their pack and play without any dangerous toys, blankets or pets.
TOE DEXTERITY EXERCISES - practice doing things with your toes. Ick, I didn't mean anything that personal. Anyway....practice things like picking things up off the coffee table and setting things down on it; turning on and off the night light and/or baby monitor; (if you are so nimble) turning on and off the lights and driving (just kidding on that one-making sure you were paying attention).
I read your blog a couple days ago and realized it had been way too long. Love it all!
Jon - You should know that comment number 1 is from Josh. If you are really looking for ways to aviod getting up with a baby in the middle of the night, consult him. He's the master. Then Sara can share with Susan all the ways she plots to kill him in his sleep. :)
The never ending clothes routine. Every time you finish folding a load of laundry, immediately spill a cup of milk on half of it and put it back in the hamper. Kick the other half around the room until it's wrinkly and unfolded. Leave it there for a day before you come back to refold it. Once it's folded, carry it to the proper rooms of the house to put it away. Before putting it away, however, take every item out of at least two drawers of every dresser and kick those items around the room. Leave them like that for a day. Come back in a day to put those items and any freshly laundered items away - but be sure to empty two more drawers again before putting away the clean items ... repeat. And repeat. And repeat.
Hi Jon and Susan,
Are you scared yet?
Here's my advice:
Go to a craft store and buy a large package of construction paper. In the middle of each paper, write down the things that your child will never do or be, such as, "My child will never be a picky eater." Add pages about your own parenting observations such as, "I will never make a scene in the middle of the grocery store by yelling at my child and/or jerking his/her arm."
(I know for a fact you've witnessed really bad behavior from parents and their children and promised yourself that such behavior will NOT be repeated by you or your child.) After you've written each one down on a separate piece of paper, fold the paper at least twice. The two of you take turns chewing and swallowing each piece until all paper and all words are eaten. Start now and here's hoping that you'll have finished eating ALL those words by the time your little one goes to college.
LOVE, AUNT ME
Watching the clock exercise...
After an extremely stressful and the long day of endless crying, complaining, yelling, breaking up fights, etc. Watch the clock until the big hand is in the 12 and the little hand is on the 5. The second this happens, crack open a cold beer and feel it's effects. It will be the best beer you've ever had. (Or if it is a really bad day, crack one open at 4:30 and watch the end of Oprah - you deserve it.)
Addendum for #1:
If you are expecting twins, just hit snooze, no need to set the alarm for another 2.5 hours. That will never happen so don't try to kid yourself.
#3 is going to be especially important if you use pacifiers.
And my own new one, The Diet Plan:
Every time you sit down to eat (anything) take one bite and then get up and get five crackers and feed three to the dog and mash the reamining two into your carpet. Repeat every three minutes.
One more - The Reason it is Worth It:
One every six months look at a picture of your spouse as a two year old and picture it saying "I wuv you supery dupery much." and then wrapping two little arms around your neck.
And then get up and change your shirt because you will have some spaghetti sauce or some sort of cookie on the one you are wearing.
First, congratulations!
This is for the toddler years, but still useful since it will take at least a couple years of practice to get the hang of it:
1) Invite your three favorite people over for a complex nine course dinner.
2) With your cell phone, call your mother. Hold that phone to your left ear.
3) With your land-line, call your mother-in-law. Hold that phone to your right ear with your shoulder.
4) Attempt to hold five separate conversations of varying complexity with your three friends, your mother, and your mother-in-law while you use your (free) right hand to produce the gorgeous dinner you had planned.
If you are still managing alright (i.e. you're not in tears or endlessly repeating "WHAT?") then turn the radio and the television on as well. Be sure to turn the volume as high as possible.
In a few short years you'll be ready to take care of the needs of a toddler (or two) while trying to have a conversation with another adult!
Go to your closet and take out any and all clothing that is light-colored, especially the white things. Now, chew up some food and then wipe your mouth on the shoulder of each piece of the clothing. Try to leave a little deposit of the actual food and allow it to dry. Put clothing back in closet and drawers.
Now, each time you are dressing to go to work or out for the evening with friends, wear one of these light-colored pieces of clothing. The little "deposit" on the shoulder will represent the "deposit" that baby will make as you burp him (or her) just before leaving your house, in a rush, of course. For several months you will never wear a piece of clothing that does not have a "burp" smear on one of the shoulders. And later, when baby is here, you will not even notice this "burp" until you are already out of the house...perhaps in a mirror at a restaurant or someone's home. Enhance the realism of this experiment by using a food that leaves a light permanent stain. Have fun...it is all worth it!
Jon and Susan -
Practice spinning 5 plates at once and keep them all going at the same rate at the same time. Begin this exercise at 5:00 pm every day and have a neighbor ring your doorbell while another friend is calling your phone. This exercise should always occur as your preparing dinner and last for approximately one hour. Oh yes....it is SO totally worth it.
Stock your fridge now with Kraft mac and cheese, PB & J, Spaghetti'O's, and hot dogs. Practice eating (or at least preparing these ) at EVERY meal.
Ok somehow I missed this entry... I was absorbed in the beautiful pictures. I think y'all should start your own parent olympics. You have some great catagories and it would be so much fun for those of us without children to watch. Plus fabulous birth control.
Well Rachel, thanks for the advice...I think.
So Susan and I laughed at what you wrote and thought it would funny if we gave these exercises a bit of a trial run over the weekend and report back...little did we know.
So the wake up call exercise...suffice it say it, uh, didn't go so well. On about the second or third alarm, someone (and I can neither confirm or deny it was me) smashed the alarm clock and threw it downstairs where I managed to step on it the next morning.
Although concerned, we decided to proceed with the pack mule exercise anyway. As I sprinted out the door with a five-gallon bucket full of water, I managed to knee the bucket, spilling its contents and tripping myself at the same time. As I lay there dripping wet and with ripped jeans, I watched as the empty bucket rolled down the sidewalk and into the street...having exhausted a stream of words probably not generally recommended for the parental vocabulary, I then noticed the strange look from our neighbors.
I tried to laugh it off as I picked myself up and went for the bucket (now lodged in the storm sewer on the corner) and made a sarcastic comment to the neighbors about trying out for a reality television show...they weren't buying it.
When I got back to the house, Susan was on the phone with her mom in what I can only assume was a discussion about the lack of parenting fitness displayed by her husband.
I went to grab some dry clothes, nursing my wounds and wounded pride and I sullenly contemplated what this trial run portends for my capabilities as a father.
All I could come up with is this:
new alarm clock, $10
new pair of jeans, $40
not having to "try out" to be a dad...priceless!
thanks for the laughs and advice,
Jon & Susan.
Congratulations, Susan and Jon!
Parenthood has been the most rewarding adventure of my life, however exhausting.
Hey, it is also worth noting that Julie (Rachel's sister-in-law and my sister) and Scott are expecting a baby in July! Babies everywhere!
I'm joining in late on advice and I think the group has it covered pretty well...just mix all that together and it is ALL true.
All I can say at this point it "Congrats", as exhausting and difficult, fun, disgusting, breath taking and patience testing as parenthood can be....it's ALL very well worth the headache, backache, fatigue, laughter, shock, fun and awe it will bring!
Ask me in another 15 years though, I'm in the thick of it and I hear the diffcult stage has not begun...as my parents chuckle, laugh and point their fingers....I think I hear them muttering..."Just you wait"...something about being just like me someday...
O.K...maybe my advice is boarding school isn't so bad!
Actually, the best advice I ever got was from my pediatrician as I was exhausted asking why I couldn't get our daughter on any set schedule...and being about 5 years older then myself and a couple years ahead on parenting he chuckled and replied...."The first 3 month are about survival....don't worry about anything else." I just looked at him puzzled at the time but appreciated it much more the second time around with our son!
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