New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of year again. Time for the big list. So get out your pens and papers ladies and gentlemen, and go and scrutinize yourselves in the mirror. Let's get to listing out all the things wrong with ourselves, our bodies, our lives, and what we'd like to change.

OK. I'm just kidding here -- sort of. I'm all for self-improvement. In fact I'm completely on board with taking the steps necessary to improve ourselves, our bodies, and our lives. It's healthy to have enough self-awareness to recognize the areas of our lives that need a little changing. I'm just not that into scrutinizing oneself in the mirror, dwelling on faults, and being critical in the way of "I wish I were taller, or thinner, or smaller..... I wish I was richer, or younger, or prettier.... I wish I had a smaller nose, a bigger nose, a straighter nose, skinny hips, bigger lips, wider eyes, a smaller butt, longer calves, a shrinking gut, leaner thighs...........I wish I had a nicer car, larger house, expensive wardrobe........more channels, more shoes, the newest phone, a faster computer, a bigger TV.......If only I had this, then I could be that.... etc....etc... and etc...."

In truth, I've never even made any resolutions. And as I sit and reflect on it, I guess I don't know precisely why. I just don't do it. I've never felt compelled to. And I've never really given it much thought. Another year passes, and I continue on, seemingly more than content to travel on the life-path I am carving out for myself. But this not this year. This year, for the very first time, I think I'll get out my pen and paper. And maybe what I'll write will not exactly be "New Year's Resolutions", but more like a "To-Do" list for my life. Is there a difference between a To-Do List and a Resolution? Maybe not. I just know that I am pretty good at crossing things off the To-Do lists I make on a day-to-day basis. Not to mention that the list in itself, is a concrete thing I can carry around with me, pull out, look at. And if you know me at all, you know that I need something concrete to look at. Out of sight, out of mind? That's me. For better or worse, that's how I operate.

I don't truly know what makes this year different from any other, or what is driving my motivation....... I just know that it is. Maybe it's because for the first time in almost 6 years I'm about to hang up my "apron" as a stay-at-home-mommy. Not immediately, and certainly not completely, but without a doubt, the "apron" will spend more time on it's hook. You see, next year my youngest will be off to pre-school. And that being the case, I think I am beginning see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel; Flickering ever so faintly, but there all the same. Is that faint flicker of light the reason that deep down, I can feel the sprouting seeds of a driving need to reinvent myself? Or does it have more to do with the fact that now, in my mid-thirties, I'm coming to the realization that the current path I've been skipping down could be nearing a crossroad of sorts? Perhaps everyone, at some point in their thirties, goes through this. This transition. This need for a big transformation.

I guess I don't really know. But what I do know is that I'm antsy. I know I'm getting restless. I know that I'm so hungry for change I can't seem to stop cutting or coloring my hair. (Which I'm guessing is because my hair seems to be the easiest thing to make major modifications to right now.) So, before my hair gets so short, or so red, that I actually have to go Brittney-Spears-Style and shave my head bald, I'll get started on my New Year's Resolutions. I'll reflect, re-evaluate, contemplate. I'll probe the corners of my brain and dig into the depths of my heart. I'll take a good, hard look at the options layed out along my path, and I'll get started on my list.