Attilla The Hun showed up at my house on New Year's Eve, and I accidentally let him in. It wasn't really my fault because he was cleverly disguised as my sweet little niece, so I didn't recognize him until it was too late. But it was him alright, looking for new territories to ravage. And also concealed somewhere in that little pint-sized body was his vicious army, hungry for blood and poised for invasion. They're amazing riders, those viral horsemen. And they knew just how to infiltrate the enemy. Skillfully. Stealthily. On command. And as night was falling, the command came hurling from her small body in the form of two lengthy barfs in the middle of our kitchen. Those well-armed, toxic little warriors were off and running, and there was no stopping the onslaught that was about to befall us. We fought back (valiantly even!) but to no avail. One at a time, they took us all down. There's a reason Atilla and his army of Huns have a reputation for being cruel. Rapacious.* Fearsome. Trust me y'all. It's well earned. In fact, I'd describe the aftermath of the war-zone for you just to prove my point if my own mother wasn't involved. But I won't. Because frankly, she'd kill me.
But there were a few highlights that came out of that horrible night. I will warn you that they are, naturally, based around bodily-function humor. But even though they're kind of gross, they're still funny. And of course they are all attributed to Gibson -- the poor kid -- who bore the brunt of this brutal invasion. My sweet little Gibby, who, without meaning to tends to be one of the funniest kids I know, and can somehow make me crack up even when I feel like I want to die. Which is a gift. Even if he doesn't know it yet.
And so, without further ado, I present to you:
"Sincere Questions and a Brief Conversation with Dad over the Toilet in the Bathroom at 3:00 in the Morning".
Gibson: (Understanding that he is heaving from the very depths of his small body, yet not really understanding the concept of stomach bile.) Dad? Am I barfing pee?
Gibson: (After a particularly long and suffocating heave in which his body is trying to push out substance that is no longer there.) Dad? I think my barf is trying to kill me.
Gibson: (Speaking to his own body while hanging over the toilet.) Barf? Why do you hurt so much?
And my personal favorite......
Dad: (Cleaning up the first barf that happened on the floor.) Hmmmmmmm... Looks like there's some gum in there.
Gibson: Ummmm.... It's not mine.
*********
* Are you impressed with my word? I was proud of myself when I wrote it. Here's the definition in case, like me, you need it:
1. Taking by force, plundering
2. Greedy, Ravenous
3. Subsisting on live prey.
Totally appropriate, no?
In case you are wondering, here's Atilla, in disguise:
You can see why I didn't recognize him.
4 comments:
Ok, I laughed out loud on the gum one. That could be the funniest thing I have heard in a while :D
I love that even under attack and puke everyone your home still has laughter in it. That's impressive.
As the mother of the disguised Attilla, I can attest that he does show his ugly face through that sweet body more often than one would think, in more ways than one.
OMG that was by far the funniest that you have written! Sorry to hear you were all sick at the beginning of the new year. What a way to start, eh? Alex told me even that Gibby wanted to play....good thing you did not let Alex in nor Gibby out! I can so relate with everything and understand what you went through. I don't know how my Mom handled things when all 6 of me and my siblings got sick, etc. Maybe that is why she became a nurse. Attila is a cutie, so I can understand the misconception there. I have a little one like that and have to watch her constantly!
You do bodily humor so well. It's a gift. Do you know if there's market for that? If so, you'd be a bestseller! :)
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